3 ways to bring the spark back to your sex life

Sex is a basic human need, but as you and your partner grow, you can evolve at different rates. The desire for sex becomes unbalanced in your relationship – one partner wants it more than the other. And over time, sex can become predictable and arousal diminishes.

If you’re not having the sex life you’d like to have, it seems easier to settle in and just accept the status quo. But if you let it go, you will no doubt experience some frustration and resentment towards your partner at some point. You may not even understand the origin of the anger as time goes by. Thus, the problem becomes more difficult if it is not addressed. Counseling can help.

Before your sex life gets too negative, try working with your partner. Since two are needed for tango, two are also needed to solve the problem. That means talking to your partner. This can be a huge hurdle as people often avoid talking about sex. But it’s crucial: it’s the first important step to a better sex life.

1) Communicate. 

Talk candidly about your sexual needs. Ask your partner to explain his. Expose your vulnerabilities to each other, opening your connection and improving the quality of your relationship. Find words to express those difficult thoughts. If you want more sex than your partner, tell him how it makes you feel. If you don’t like sex as much as your partner, explain that too. Maybe you’re afraid of being rejected, maybe you feel like you’re not up to your standards, maybe you feel like your body isn’t as perfect as it once was. The more open you are with your partner, the more intimate your relationship and the richer intimate sex will be.

2) Plan for sex. 

Making a date to have sex sounds counterintuitive. Shouldn’t great sex be spontaneous? Sure it can be, but planning is sometimes necessary in your busy world of kids, work, responsibilities. So it can never happen if you don’t plan. Planning also builds tension. Lets you anticipate sex; makes you think about things you could do. Wear frilly undergarments. Buy a nice scented candle. Oil for massaging his back. A bottle of champagne. I’ve known couples whose desire overwhelms them and they never make it to the scheduled date.

3) Flirting.

 Remember when the two of you were together and everything he did seemed fascinating? Over time, however, that interest becomes familiar and eventually you start to take it for granted. Do your best to take a fresh look at your partner and find out what makes them tick, which may have changed since you first started dating. You really enjoyed him, let that feeling flare up again. Involve him in your innovation. Try new things in your relationship, including new things in the bedroom. And let him know that you see him as a sexual partner — not just someone who takes home a paycheck or forgets to take out the trash.

The best thing for a great sex life is a great relationship. Sex is the icing on the cake that can deepen an already intimate relationship. When you nurture your relationship as a whole, you also set the stage for a great sexual relationship.

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. Contact us if you need safe, effective consulting services.

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