Women, Sex and Thinking – Discover 3 New Ways to Think on the Way to a Better Sex Life

Many healthy men think about sex several times a day. Many healthy women think about sex several times a month.

That, in itself, causes sexual problems for men and women. Men often want sex much more often than women. Neither is happy with the process and the tension it can create in a relationship when a man pursues his wife and his wife feels pressured. Each of them feels like a loser, even if they have different reasons.

Disclaimer:  In some relationships it’s the exact opposite… Women are much more interested in sex than their male partners. Nothing is “always” or “never”.)

The reasons why many women are less interested in sex than their partners are complex. Much more complicated than we will explore in this short article. Check back later for more information on this topic and we will discuss women, men and intimacy as well as other related topics.

We want to discuss just one of the reasons why women are less interested in sex. It comes from a woman’s innate ability to multitask. This means that she thinks about and often does many things at once.

When one’s body and mind are so busy, how can a woman relax and think about and enjoy a hot meeting with her man!

We’ve all heard jokes… or experienced first hand… the many different things that go through a woman’s mind during sex. (It’s hard to call it “making love” sometimes.)


  • The laundry
  • Supper
  • Taken
  • Work
  • Problems with children
  • And so forth.


The person who loses the most when this happens is the woman. The emotional and physical rewards of being in the moment and having sex with a partner are many. Researchers have noted the positive hormonal changes in brain chemistry after sex, as well as the effects on the ability to handle stress.

Women can learn to focus on the experience and improve their sexual experience

Here are 3 steps to help you navigate your way to a better sex life.

1. Learn to clear your head.

Women are doing themselves a favor by finding ways to relax and enjoy the experience. Our suggestion is that women learn ways to clear their heads and stay in the moment, thinking about themselves and their pleasure as much, if not more, than they do about their partner’s pleasure.

Women: add to your “to do list”.

Find 10 minutes a day to practice some form of meditation. There are some great CDs for learning meditation, but you can also just sit quietly and focus on your breathing.

2. Focus on the here-and-now, especially what’s happening within.

Find ways to slow down and just pay attention to your surroundings. Focus on what you see around you, what you hear and what you feel. As you do this, take a deep breath. Notice the effects as you relax and become more aware of your surroundings.

After you become quite successful at this, which will take several practice sessions and a dedication to find another way to do it, get to your body. Pay attention to the things you see and feel in your body. Focus on sensations or positive characteristics of your body. (You can be self-critical later on.)

If you feel more practiced at this alone, practice it with your partner during intercourse. Pay attention to the feelings in your body, both emotionally and physically. Focus on the ones that feel good and let your partner know what’s uncomfortable.

Make your pleasure as important as your partner’s. Recognize that a healthy sex life is an important part of a marriage… and you deserve a good marriage. If you don’t like the way things are going or the pleasure you receive, learn what DOES feel right for you and find ways to let your partner know.

3. Practice sexy thinking.

Change thoughts of “I don’t want sex” or “I want to have sex because my partner or my marriage needs it” to thoughts about pleasurable sex.

During the day, think about sexual experiences you’ve had in the past. Remember sexy parts about your partner. Think back to an orgasm you had and how it made you feel. Fantasize about sexual experiences you would like to have in the future.

The largest sexual organ a woman has is her mind. Learn how to use yours to improve your own sex lifeWant help learning how to implement this in your own life? We can help. Call or email us and let us help you.

Sally Connolly is a family and marriage therapist living in Louisville, Kentucky who specializes in relationship work. She and her husband, family therapist John Turner, have taught workshops on developing healthy relationships for couples and singles. She has taught at the University of Louisville and The Louisville Seminary.

Sally offers both in-person and online counseling for personal and relationship issues.

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